sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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