you didnt know i had herpes?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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