My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
