Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
