i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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