I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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