my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i drank out of a bidet.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
