how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
