"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
