How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
