Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
