Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
