The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
