ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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