So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
