Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
