you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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