i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
