I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
