carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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