The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
