i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
only you would photoshop your dick
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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