Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
