How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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