We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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