He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
