how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
