Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
