Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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