i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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