so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
