Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize