Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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