shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
