Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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