What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
