Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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