dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
