someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I only lived at night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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