At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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