he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
