Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
