she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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