The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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