That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
