Joe is yelling at the trees again.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
