There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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