You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
