I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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