god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
