very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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