Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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