my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
