I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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