Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize