Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
